Daughter of the King of Kings
I don’t even know where to begin, what words to say or in which order to fashion them. But when God has worked so powerfully, I cannot help but give testimony and thanks to His work through writing. For some, this will be meaningless. To others, trivial. But I pray that to some, even to one, it will be an encouraging testimony to God’s faithfulness.
Earlier this week, I had a bit of a breakdown. Okay, so a big breakdown. The intensive course I am taking is…well…intensive. Material given one Saturday is due by the following Saturday morning. Between working full time in an emotionally draining environment, a second seminary class, and wanting to stay involved in my church, it just felt impossible to complete my coursework. I felt weak and pathetic that by Thursday night I had finished but 1 of 5 papers, half of the assigned book, and outlined 3 of the papers. People do this working full time AND with a family! How could I be struggling and overwhelmed only partway through the summer?!
I hated seminary. I hated school. I wanted to give up and do anything else. I was done. I was defeated. I was exhausted. One of my residents had passed away on Wednesday, and another was given a prognosis of six months. I was aiding the grieving families, and coming home spent and without energy to pour into any sort of theological engagement. Thursday night, I called my poor mother in California way past her bedtime. Luckily, she was able to talk me off the ledge and encouraged me to take the next day off of work to focus on my studies. They are, after all, why I am in Phoenix and my true driving force and passion. At midnight, I finally finished reading the book and writing all five papers. My bag was packed and I was ready to face the day.
But. I didn’t feel relieved. I didn’t feel…accomplished. I felt broken after having fallen to such a low, pathetic point.
Saturday morning, I walked into class. 7:45 am. Exhausted. Ready to just be my normal ‘wallflower’ student self. And then God began to weave His way into my day. First, He began to shower me with the blessings of being the only girl in a glass of 13 men.
Benefit #1: The professor will always know your name. Trivial to some, I know. But for a fairly passive student, who is easily forgotten or overlooked by teachers, this is very impactful to me.
Benefit #2: Private bathroom. No long waits. No awkward sharing the mirror issues. And best of all? Quiet, private introvert space for me to recharge between long sessions. (9 straight hours of class. Need those ten minutes to myself)
Benefit #3: Being treated like a true Princess. I have been known to hate on men from
time to time. Okay, a lot. Mostly a result of my past and some VERY feminist grandmothers… But in seminary, I am surrounded by a multitude of God-loving men who break those stereotypes every day. Doors are opened for me. I am always encouraged to be the first through a small space. Chairs are pulled out. My lunch trash is taken for me. When I was
gone from class too long waiting for a guest speaker to arrive, one of them came down just to ensure I was alright. Ladies, in an environment where I expected to be fighting for my right to be there, I have been treated more warmly than anywhere else in my life. These guys are incredible, and I am so grateful to God for the work He has done in them and is doing in me. **see note**
Benefit #4: To be determined. I am sure God will reveal many more positives to combat the trials of being a female seminarian. Because those DO exist as well.
Second, God simply opened my heart. You know when you walk into a class and just want to get the information and get home? That was my attitude when I walked in this morning. This class consists of 4 speakers. 4 church or parachurch leaders who come in to talk about their ministries and what makes them effective. One of the speakers simply exuded joy. There’s no other way to describe it. He loves his flock, and he loves what he does. It was infectious. I could feel God moving in my heart. As the discussions flowed from these speakers, I found myself settling into the familiar environment and that joy slowly becoming my own. I began to feel that familiar exhilaration of being in a room with 13 other people not only pursing ministry but EXCITED about pursuing ministry. More than that, we are able to share some of the same fears, faults, struggles, doubts, and encourage one another in them. I felt home.
Finally, the biggest impact that God could have made. And the event that brought to light all He had been doing throughout the day. About halfway through, we began discussing our weaknesses in ministry based on the five criteria the professor had given us. In an attempt at complete honesty. I admitted my difficulty or hesitance to be completely transparent as a woman in ministry. Because of my pride, I feel this strong need to prove myself and my ‘worthiness’ to be there. I fear admitting weakness as leverage someone can use to invalidate me as a leader. Once this was revealed to the professor he stopped the class and asked me what, as men, they could do to help ease that burden and be better brothers in Christ. Dude. All eyes on me. My heart is thudding. I have never expected to be asked that question…ever. But I was more impressed with the men’s response as I spoke in my nervous voice. They were eager to hear what I would say and commented on the helpfulness of the information. [[Response in future post]] While I kept shaking for a long time after, I was awash with the overwhelming affirmation, encouragement, and brotherly love in that room. And as I sat in my seat, stomach still squirming from being put on the spot, I couldn’t help but marvel at how far God had brought me in just three days. It felt as though His arms were around me, and He was whispering word soft encouragement and affirmation in my ear Himself. I felt Him reminding me that this is where I am supposed to be. I felt Him soothing my wounds of frustration and hurt at being rejected and questioned because of my gender in this pursuit.
That isn’t to say that it won’t ever hurt to be denied because I’m a woman in the future. Because it will happen. I have no doubt. But by writing this down, I hope I am inscribing this Truth in my mind. God has called me to pursue Him through vocation ministry, to teach others His Gospel, and to raise up leaders in His name. May I be forever faithful.
**note** Some will instantly scoff and roll their eyes at this and call these God-fearing men misogynistic or treating me as though I can’t do any of these things for myself. Misogyny: defined as a “Hatred of women”. Does it sound like any of these guys hate me? Or my gender? All I feel when these things are done is respected and valued. Valued. How many women in our society search for this all the time and never quite find it? In relationships, jobs, appearance, family, friends? How many women are searching for equality in their secular workspace in order to feel valued? Now, don’t get me wrong. I am all for female empowerment and women getting paid the same as men. (come on, I’m a female seminarian.) But…goodness, I can’t quite find the words anymore. Passion is clogging my brain. When we view each other Imago Dei, as made in the image of God, it changes the way we treat one another. When the seminary men treat me this way, honor and respect me, they do so because I am a daughter of God. I am valued because of Him. [[Oh goodness, this could veer off into an entirely different and yet related conversation. Hopefully I will write more in depth on this in another post.]] Conversely, I hope to show how I value them by respecting their leadership. I do not mean simply letting them make a decision and run with it; I readily challenge some of their ideas in a loving manner. Yet, I believe that as Christian women, we can value and respect our Christian brothers most by encouraging, affirming, and cheering them on as leaders in our homes, communities, churches. In return, my fellow daughters of the King, you will be treated like Princesses. It’s not some far off fairytale. It is the Truth that the Gospel brings. And the hope of a life in Christ.
