HER LIGHT SHINES
I don't know that I'll ever forget the morning I walked into work and saw the front page of the newspaper on February 11th. HER LIGHT SHINESspread across the page with three pictures of a young woman beneath it. My breath stopped; my heart felt as though it had leapt into my throat. Tears burned in my eyes. Before I was completely overwhelmed with emotion, I hurriedly turned away from the paper in order to hide my reaction from my coworkers. I didn't know the woman in the photos, didn't even know her name. I hadn't heard her story in the news, so I had no clue what had happened to her. Not yet... I had meant to write this that day, but I suppose the emotion was still too great for me to quite process. Even now, I feel the shadow of that grief inexplicably returning. Maybe I was lazy, or busy, or simply didn't want to admit the strength of the emotions that consumed me that day. Nevertheless, I think it is time to finally document my response. I hurried around the office that morning, gathering my supplies for the day, and all the while, a horrible pit was beginning to form in my gut. Finally, I managed to sit down with the paper and read about this woman who had so stirred my heart. Kayla Mueller. 26 years old. From Arizona. Aid worker in the Middle East. Murdered by ISIS after 18 months of captivity. My hands shook as I read through the article. Tears smeared the ink of the newspaper. Why? I kept asking myself. Why was I reacting so strongly?! It felt as though someone I held dear to my heart had been killed, not just a stranger I was reading about in the paper. We had seen plenty of reports of ISIS murders on the television, read about them in the news, seen article upon article of deaths in facebook feeds. Yet God had latched a painful hook in my heart for Kayla Mueller. I continued through my morning in a daze, working with patients and trying to pull my mind from whatever God was doing in my heart. It was as though this heavy weight was pressing in on my chest, and tears hovered just behind my eyes, ready at the smallest trigger. My lunch break finally came, and though I tried to move past the emotions of the morning, my heart would not let me. I retreated to one of the office storage rooms (don't judge me) and called the one person who could help me process through the turmoil I was feeling. Though I was afraid of how she would react, I called my mom. Now, when I say I was afraid of how she would react, I don't mean that I was afraid she was lecture or chastise me or anything like that. But, this young woman had died 'in the line of duty' so to speak, a duty I am currently preparing myself for. And oddly enough,, after I explained to my mom what I had been feeling all day, that was the first thing she said to me. "This young woman was doing what your heart is pulling you towards. You're identifying yourself with her." Whoooaahhh nelly! No. I was not ready for that. And yet, as the weeks have gone on, I've come to realize how true it is. But, it's more than that. As you read through the news stories and comments from people she worked with, both long term and briefly, you see a common theme: "Kayla Mueller remembered as strong, driven, caring, compassionate". What a legacy. What a trail to leave behind. Her light shines. Every time I pray, I close asking the Lord to make me His light as I go through my day, my week, my life. For what more are we called to do? I wish I could find a copy of the letter that was posted in the paper. Though perhaps that would be too much for my poor mom to read! And again, it seems when I start writing, it is hard for me to stop. Thus, I will close with these thoughts. -As I process through this once more, I come to understand my grief a little more. (But I do not believe I will ever understand the depths to which it affected me) I did lose someone close to me. I lost a sister, a sister in Christ who shared my passions for the world. And I am not ashamed to grieve that loss. -A second section of the newspaper bore this heading: "Obama ready to take the fight to Islamic State". And below was a large, beaming picture of Kayla Mueller. Isn't our God an amazing God? While we grieve the loss of a light in our world, He is using her death to spur hearts to action. (albeit some of that action wasn't so good in light of the Muslim students who were killed) Some will debate with me night and day on whether the U.S. should intervene or not. But I firmly believe that God was moving with and through the news of Kayla Mueller's death. Lord, as we each go through our days, our weeks, our lives, trying to walk with you, help us to be your lights, shining brightly in our schools, workplaces, and communities. In the name of Christ, we pray. Amen.
