RAMBLINGS OF A REBEL

India is full of life and color and spicy food! It is full of those enslaved to false gods and social systems that dehumanize almost 90% of the population. Poverty runs rampant, and hope is no where to be found. It was a fantastic and enlightening three weeks; of this there is no doubt. But, the greatest lesson I learned from this trip occured in the six months of training and education leading up to it...

 

Friday, March 29, 2013

        The first week of February,I participated in something called Intensive Training Weekend (ITW). This weekend is designed to help CBU’s service project teams to prepare for their time of service by placing them in challenging situations in order to help them learn more about themselves and their teammates.  It’s a fantastic and extremely realistic weekend that stretches each person physically, mentally, and, most of all, spiritually.  I want to share with you the most significant way I grew this weekend.

I am on a team of 12 people, 5 men and 7 women.  From the get-go, each of us women was paired with a male team member as ‘accountabilibuddies” (fyi the most awesome word ever).  For those of you who know me well, you know that I have issues trusting guys in the first place, and now I was going to be partnered with one for the weekend.  Yet, these guys, without realizing it, had gradually been exemplifying everything I had learned a man wasn’t.  I knew that this was what was best and something that would be important in country.  So, I tucked aside my biases and embraced the experience.

          Now, because of past experiences, I have great difficulty in trusting other people.  I rely primarily on myself and my own faculties.  Yet I knew that in order to be truly successful abroad, I needed to learn to trust these 11 people I would be spending 3 weeks with. Thus, in the week leading up to this experience, I prayed repeatedly to be able to learn how to trust my team.  I asked for those around me to pray the same thing.  Throughout the weekend, I was consistently looking for ways to grow that trust.

           Friday and Saturday, I was able to make baby-steps with my teammates, even beginning to reveal little bits about myself.  Personally, I thought I was doing well.  God, on the other hand, seemed to think I wasn’t making the progress He wanted to see….

Sunday morning….Sunday morning….He took me for a ride.  After a morning worship service, we all stood and awaited our next instructions for the day.  The facilitator handed us all little plastic wrapped objects.  With great trepidation, we each opened our package.  They were blindfolds.  I stared at the blindfold in my hands for a full minute, without doing anything.

           Then, I glanced up and was thinking, “God I know I asked for trust but….come on! This is not what I meant!!!”

Shakily, I put the blindfold to my eyes and immediately brought it down.

           “Nope,” I said aloud.

           But quite clearly I heard God’s voice. “You haven’t been truly working on what we’ve been trying.  Now, we need to try something more drastic.”

           Not going to lie, it was only the ‘peer pressure’ of others putting on their blindfolds that got me to do the same.  I was NOT ready to be blindfolded.  That eliminated all sense of control from my world. Then, the facilitator instructed that we had to walk, as a team, from our current room (on the second floor of the building) and across campus into another classroom.  Everyone on our team would be blindfolded except for one.  The other 11 members of this team would have to rely on ONE set of eyes to guide us the whole way.  As we lined up with our hands on one another’s shoulders, I knew that my ability to trust was going to be streeettcchheed.  As we started walking, however, I realized we were relying on the guidance of the person directly in front of and behind us as much as our Student Leader calling instructions from the front.  The beauty of it was…I COULD trust that what N was telling me from right in front of me; I didn’t doubt a word because I couldn’t doubt a word. I’m not sure if that makes any sense.  I had to rely on her guidance to prevent myself falling on my face. In return, I would call out guidance to M who was behind me. We worked so cohesively as team. I couldn’t believe it.  We were even among the first teams to make it to our designated classroom.

            Now, at this point, you’re probably thinking that’s as far as God was going to pull me for the day.  The trust exercise is over.  Yeah well….I did too…..

           We were instructed to not remove our blindfolds and to await further instruction.  Once the other teams had arrived, the following simulation was explained to us.  We were going to enter a South Asian marketplace that would simulate the caste system we were expected to experience in South Asia.  Our group was designated as low class, bound by crippling family debt.  Our finances were scarce, but the biggest handicap had yet to come.  Half of our time had to remain blindfolded for the rest of the day, and two of those six had to remain mute as well.  Immediately, fear gripped me. I couldn't imagine being crippled like that for the rest of the day. Yet, I don't know if you've ever experienced this; perhaps you're not as stubborn as me.  I had this gnawing feeling, and I knew that God was knocking on my heart.

        Sure enough, when our student leader asked for volunteers to remain blind and mute, I could hear God's voice in my mind.

       "Danielle...raise your hand." 

        My hand clenched into a fist on the desk as I fought the urge.          "No. I have already walked blind across campus. Isn't that enough?"

            "No. You are still not trusting them."

            The urge to raise my hand grew stronger, but still I resisted.  I breathed a sigh of relief as J, our student leader, announced that two of our guys had volunteered, but God wasn't through with me yet.  J put his hand on M's shoulder, who was sitting next to me.  He told my teammate that he need his eyes and voice to help lead our team and couldn't afford to have him crippled.

            Again, God's quiet voice echoed in my mind. "Trust me, Daughter."

            J called down our row, "Is anyone willing to take M's place?"

            My heart tightened with fear, but slowly, fearfully, my hand rose into the air.  Before I could second-guess myself, J had identified me as one to be one who would be blind and mute the remainder of the day.   Once our 'handicapped' teammates had been identified, it was time to head to the market. My accountabilibuddy was immediately at my side, ready to guide me.  In all honesty, I was terrified.  Nevertheless, I hooked my arm through his, and together, we led our team into the market.  Having that blindfold on, not being able to communicate was one of the most stressful things I have ever done.  Yet J immediately worked out simple signals for us to use to communicate.  As we made our way down the path, I was still trying to feel out the ground in front of me with my own feet. I still wasn't trusting my partner.

            But once again, I heard God murmuring in my ear, "You're still not trusting him. By you still trying to rely on only yourself, you are hindering not only your partner but the rest of the team following the two of you."

            At that moment, I had to stop fighting and start trusting that my partner would not lead me into a pole or down some stairs without guiding me. I started walking like I could see, letting my partner be my eyes and trusting him completely. That was probably the biggest moment I experienced the entire weekend.  When we reached the market, those of us who were handicapped, were left to wait while the others went to get our breakfast.  My accountabilibuddy took such good care of me, ensuring I had enough to eat. As a blinded and mute person, it was very humbling when we had to go to the marketplace for food.  I could not provide for myself.  My accountabilibuddy had to literally place the bowl and spoon in my hand.  At first, I couldn't even get the food onto the spoon.  He had to help me figure it out without being able to see or speak.  It was very humbling to realize how much people with these handicaps have to rely on those around them. As a whole, our team really just came to depend on each other quite thoroughly. 

            Through the rest of my time spent blind and mute, God revealed to me just how much I could trust my team.  Every few minutes, one of them was asking myself and my other blind/mute teammate if we needed anything.  I have never felt so cared for in my life. I learned to trust my team not only to lead me but to understand my needs through crude communication.  I had to rely on them for food and walking, both things I am obviously used to handling on my own.

           It may seem trivial to have such a thing be what left the most lasting impression on me from the entire experience. Yet, learning to trust my teammates was so much more. The Lord drew me closer to Him, teaching me to trust in His plan and that He would bring me through any situation.

 August 27, 2013- Living with a shattered heart

 

     Sitting on the couch, drinking coca tea, and gazing out of our apartment window.  I am once again overwhelmed at the fact that I am in Peru!! There is such a joy flowing in my heart, I can barely contain it!  This weekend, I got to spend a great deal of time getting to know some of the other missionaries here.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn the reality of their lives and get some welcomed advice!  One of the ladies I met helped me work through expectations of how to relate to people back home.  This has been something I have been wrestling with for the past week, something that we never talked about in ICS or in ISP training.  In any of my previous 'trips', I have had no contact with friends and family back home, making these four months a very different experience.  It has been quite difficult to relate to those in the states.  The things I care about just aren't the same, which has caused a little bit of tension.  It's been difficult because I don't want it to be anything I hold against those back home. It is me who has changed, not them.  So, I was thankful for the opportunity to spend a morning with this lady and her family as she shared her own experiences and how she dealt with them. 

 

       An aspect of Peruvian culture I have had to struggle with is the extreme number of idols throughout Lima.  It's incredible how God has used my time in South Asia to augment my experience here.  Just as in South Asia, there was an idol of a specific god in the middle of streets, parks, homes, just about anywhere you can think of, there are just as many statues, pictures, images of Mary and other Catholic saints.  Every time I see one, I am reminded of how enslaved South Asians were to their idols.  Then, I realize how similar the situation here is but in relation to the Catholic church.  So many here are trying to EARN their salvation through their devotion to the Saints.  It breaks my heart to see Christianity twisted into something so...far from Truth.  I can't quite wrap my mind around it, or my heart.  So many say that South America is "reached", that there isn't a need for "M's" here. Yet, all I SEE is need.  There is so much confusion as to what Christianity truly is here.  Catholicism is considered completely different from Christianity down here.  At least in the communities I have been in, there isn't a strong Evangelical, or Christian, presence.  My heat is just shattering. Every day I see more evidence of idolatry and less of Jesus.

September 9, 2013

 

          Today I moved in with a Peruvian family! While I've been completely excited for this, it turned out to be a bit more difficult than I expected, and part of that is that I am expecting too much of myself.  It's quite the grand house, 3 floors! I am blessed to have my own room.  I am living with Rosana and Ernesto and their children and grandchildren.  The oldest child is Koren and she is married to Jonny.  Together they have two boys, one 6 and one about 10 months.  The youngest daughter of Rosana and Ernesto is Camila, and she is 13.  I see now the challenges that lie ahead of me.  I have yet to figure out my role in the household, and what is expected of me.  I want to participate in the family, but I don't know how.  I also want to be culturally aware. I know there are things that will seem rude to them, even if they don't seem rude to me. 

          I'm also super nervous about having to start finding my way around on my own.  In Lima, I had Andrea, and that helped buffer a lot of the disorientation.  Here, I just feel so. lost, and incompetent.  It's probably not helping that those I had gotten to know over the past month  left me this morning to return to Lima, so I'm left with absolutely nothing familiar. And it just feels ridiculous that it's freaking me out so bad because I came to Peru where I had nothing familiar.

          One cultural difference here is that going barefoot is NEVER appropriate even within the house. So I have to wear shoes all the time.  I'm having a hard time adjusting to that as in my family's culture, we have to take off our shoes before we even enter the house! So it just feels extremely strange to me. Overall, I think I just need time to adjust.  I'm expecting too much of myself.  The family seems really nice. It's just figuring out how I fit, if I do.

          I went and saw a movie with Efrain and Dorcus tonight.  Efrain owns the coffee shop where I am teaching English and studying Spanish and going to church. It's essentially going to be my second home! Anyways, we went to see White House Down...completely in Spanish.  I was pretty happy with myself that I was able to at least get the general idea of what was going on in each scene, though whether that was due to me actually understanding the verbal communication or just relying on non-verbal communication...I'm not quite sure.  It was extremely fascinating watching a movie about the U.S. with people not from the U.S.  I never really realized how we are portrayed to the global population or how they view us. I'm fairly sure they reacted more strongly to the Capitol being bombed in the movie than any other United Statsian I know! (I can't quite bring myself to use the term American anymore, as there is technically more to America than the U.S...)  Anyways, Dorcus and Efrain kept asking me 'is it really like that in the states?'   

 

September 10, 2013

          Well, tonight, I flew solo for the first time teaching! I think it went fairly well. I'm glad the number of volunteers per night has dwindled to a manageable number.  I'm able to arrange small groups rather than one on one.  This is important as I don't want them reliant on foreign English speakers to practice.  I really want them to understand that they can practice with each other as well, and also build friendships with one another.  I think that the new Bible Study curriculum went over much better.  I suppose it's just another reminder that a large part of my time here is learning as I go, which I have to stop viewing as such a bad thing. 

          It's hard for me recognizing that I have a team under me, a group of people looking for my direction and guidance to do things in the class. It's just so foreign.  God has been working on this in me for SO long, it's strange to see a part of His work finally realized.  It's amazing how he can take a people-phobic girl and use her to run an English ministry in a foreign country.  If only everyone understood that our 'weaknesses' don't define us! God transforms us, shapes us into His tools, if we let Him.

          This morning, I got to attend my first Arequipa SIM meeting and meet the other missionaries serving here. I am looking forward to learning about their ministries and seeing the broader scope of what God is doing in this town! The team is currently working through Nehemiah, so I am looking forward to that.  We read a passage about the ridiculers trying to stop the Israelites from building the wall.  God's timing is just so incredible, just last night, I had been having a hard time with the adjustment of moving in with strangers.  Yet, as badly as I wanted to talk to someone about it, I didn't know who to e-mail or call for help.  I realized just how many people were rooting for me to fail.   So, I didn't want to confess that I was struggling.  Yet, as we talked about this passage, we discussed how there will always be those rooting for us to fail, but God will be holding us up through it all.  It was a much needed reminder that I'm not doing this to prove myself to anyone. I'm here to serve the Lord. 

 

September 11, 2013

Today, I got to spend about 2 hours talking with Koren and her husband Jonny. It was great to be able to exchange a little bit of information about ourselves and even talk about our different cultures, which was really fun! Jonny told me his testimony, which I understood about 2/3 of....or at least the general story.  He has never known his mother and had to sift through many different stories as to the reason behind that.  He spent a long time drinking, since he was maybe 13 years old. His pastor was consistently poking and prodding him, but he did not relent.  He would start trying to get sober then 'fall off the wagon' so to speak.  When he got older, he began working in bars and loved it.  It wasn't until his son was about 3 that it hit him that he needed a change. I missed exactly what triggered it, but he gave his life to Christ.  Now, I more motivated than ever to translate my own testimony.

 

Later, I met my Spanish profesoras. They're both quite young and speak at least a little bit of English.  So, hopefully this will be a different experience than in Lima.  They seem quite friendly and more focused on helping me practice conversation skills than the grammar that I already know...So, I will start those classes Monday morning!  After that, I spent a great deal of time just hanging around Cafe Berea, talking with some of the students and other 'regulars' all in Spanish. In total, I was probably talking Spanish for 5+ hours.  By the end of the night, when Rosana came to pick me up, I was utterly exhausted and desperate for something familiar.  I've found I can understand some better than others, and I was reminded over and over again that I need to talk slower in my English classes...