Wait, he said what?

Here's a touchy topic. One that I have to admit I'm slightly nervous about throwing out there. But what I heard bothered me enough to say something about it.

I love listening to audiobooks. Okay, so NOT what I was afraid to admit. But recently, I've thrown a podcast or two in there as well, something to listen to while I'm editing or something. But ten minutes into a sermon by a pastor I admire and respect, I had to turn it off in disgust. The topic? Anxiety. The pastor's stance? Anxiety is a sin and reveals a distinct lack of trust in God.

Confession. I suffer from fairly severe social anxiety. I suffer from irrational anxiety on a daily basis. Do I know what triggers it? Sometimes. Sometimes not. Can I push past it and keep living my life? Sometimes. Sometimes not. Can I make it go away? No. I can't make it go away any more than you can tell a laceration to stop bleeding. It's merely there, and yes, it sometimes does interfere with my day to day life. I hate this part of me more than anything. I hate being afraid. I hate not being able to do things that I want because I have a panic attack being around too many new people.

But don't you dare tell me it is because I don't trust my Father in Heaven. Don't you dare tell me it is a lack of faith. I have loved Him since I was a little girl. I have followed Him and striven to be like Him with all of my being. I have social anxiety, God called me to travel to Peru, on my own, and tell complete strangers about who He is and how He loves, and I obeyed. God opened the doors for me to attend seminary in a state far away from family, against some family members' wishes, in a male dominant environment, knowing that my gender would bring me negative attention and conflict as I pursued a seminary education. And I walked through it. On faith. No job lined up. No connections. No idea. I closed my eyes and jumped.

And guess what? I'm still anxious on a daily basis. I still fight back panic as I try and integrate myself into a new church family. I still have to practice calming breathing techniques in order to get me through special events. Anxiety is a part of daily life, and it is NOT a lack of faith. I don't know if others with anxiety will ever read this. I don't know if you other breaking hearts and fearful souls have heard this as well. But I pray that you hear me, hear our Father telling you how little truth is in that concept. Anxiety is not a lack of trust in God. For some of us, it is a part of how He has made us, something ingrained in our personalities from birth.

I believe whole heartedly in God's sovereignty. I believe He has a purpose in all things. If I didn't believe that, I would not have made it through life! Only in trusting in His purpose did I stay sane through broken hearts, broken families, and broken self-esteem. And I believe there is a purpose for my crippling anxiety. Am I happy about it? Do I really understand it? Will I never hate it again? No. Unfortunately, I don't know that I can at this point. Perhaps, at a future time, the Lord will grant me peace in this area of my life. But for now, I seek to emulate Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 as he reveals his 'thorn in the flesh'. Three times, he pleaded for the Lord to take it from Him. And Three times God denied Him. So Paul, trusting in His purposes, resolved to be content in his weaknesses, hardships, and trials. I can't count the number of times I have cried out to God, begging Him to take this anxiety from me, only to find it strangling me once again. But I will seek the courage and strength to be content in this weakness and find my strength in Him and Him alone.

Anxiety is my thorn. What's yours?